Perseverance according to dictionary.com is as follows: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
Sometimes I feel like my whole existence is the very definition of this – a constant persistence in the course of this journey full of obstacles that we call life. Do you ever feel like just giving up as it is all too hard to continue pursuing something that seems to be a losing battle? I do and have so many times – all this persevering and it seems without any kind of reward or at least little in sight.
Every day we are steadily pursuing and persisting in something, whether it is just the day itself and all that it has in store for us or something much bigger and more difficult. I don’t know what you are going through but I do know that it is so easy to give up doing well, especially when we feel tired, let down or hurt. It can be much easier to do something less demanding, to run away.
When I have felt like this recently, I have found much strength in a bible verse that says ‘Do not grow weary in doing good as in the right time you will reap a harvest if you don’t give up.’ (Galatians 6:9) This reminds me of the reasons behind the struggle and even if I can’t see the end in sight, I have new fuel to feed the fight engine.
Let me tell you some stories that might encourage you if you feel a bit like this.
I started dancing from the age of 3 and by the time I was 8 I was determined to become a ballerina and declined doing the normal kiddie things to pursue this dream. I entered many festivals, was part of a ballet scholar’s scheme and was going to London every Sunday for the National Youth Ballet. However when I was twelve, I contracted an illness called M.E which I would describe as a chronic fatigue syndrome that affects your brain, muscles and nervous system.
I was bedridden for numerous months, losing all my hopes and dreams of becoming a ballerina. In that time, I lost my muscles and strength and slowly felt like I was disintegrating into nothing. I became cooped up in my dark and eerily silent room, too affected by the blinding light outside or the tiniest sound that deafened me to have any kind of life. I recognised that life carried on without me and I was left behind in these four walls not sure what was actually wrong with me or whether I would ever get better again. I was broken hearted.
The months rolled into years and these years saw the biggest perseverance I had ever gone through. So many times I wanted to give up; my bed became a sanctuary and the outside world began to scare me even though I was screaming to be better and take up my life again. The perseverance was through peace of mind – I prayed out to a God I didn’t even know existed at that time and reminded myself daily that I wasn’t going to allow myself to live like this forever. I made myself to-do lists with goals for each day such as ‘get dressed’ ‘sit up for half an hour’. Slowly I started to do more things and improve in my health. The strange thing about M.E is that there is no sudden cure; it is a long and ongoing process and it is only when you look back that you recognise how much you are improving.
The biggest lesson I learnt was to accept my body for how it was and work with what I had. I stopped beating myself up for the things I couldn’t do and started to enjoy that which I could. In not giving up and not allowing myself to fall into a darker place, I now have become a stronger person and actually believe that my illness has led me to where I am today – and that is an amazing place! If I had never been ill and become a ballerina, who knows where my life would have ended up? The persevering doesn’t just stop, every day I still feel like I’m fighting my body and I need to be wise in knowing what I can and can’t do even now, over 12 years later. But the knowledge of the ‘harvest’ I will reap is what keeps me going. A bit before that in the bible it talks about reaping what we sow. If we sow defeat, what will we reap? But if we sow perseverance, we will reap strength and wisdom.
I became a Christian in my first few weeks of university and this has changed my life forever. When I first believed, I became full of zest, life and faith and volunteered to so many Christian missions/events on campus and it was fun. It was a very exciting time but as the years began to pass, my faith in God became tested and harder to live with. One of those tests was leaving the comfort of a ‘Christian bubble’ behind to have a year abroad in Spain where I didn’t know a single person who shared my faith or a church that I could feel at home in. This is where I had to decide for myself if I was going to follow the things I believed in, even if I was the only one, or fall in with the crowd and let my faith take a backslide. There have been many other tests of faith within my time at eximo as well. Read the previous blog where Maya has talked about finances and our struggles with that but I suppose one of my biggest personal tests of faith took place a year ago.
I was engaged to be married and we were planning our life together here in England when my fiancé was offered an amazing job opportunity – in Australia! He wanted to take it and he asked me to go with him – we had been having money issues previously as well as him being Mexican and the fear that he would be sent back to his own country at any given moment because of the insecurity of his work. This offer seemed to answer all of our problems. It sounded ideal – the perfect weather, good pay with job security and a less stressful life than here in England. However, I felt like I was only just establishing myself and that here was God’s plan for me within eximo. I couldn't imagine going all the way across the other side of the world and leaving something so beautiful behind, let alone my family and friends. God has really given us something special with eximo and I just know he wants me here but I thought our relationship was supposed to be, so I was very confused. I had a week to decide. I prayed like I’ve never prayed before.
It was when we were in the car on the way to speak to my Dad about it all when we were stuck in traffic and not moving anywhere. I felt that this confirmed what I was suddenly thinking: 'why are we going to talk to Dad about it, I already know the answer.' So I blurted out ‘I can't go, I just can't’. My fiancé said he wants to still go and that he is going. In that moment, I remember the heavy sickness that sat down in my stomach as we turned around and made our way back to my house. Within an hour, my fiancé walked out the door and I was left staring at the mess my life had suddenly become.
So many times I doubted and questioned my decision but what kept me strong was the belief that I was doing what I thought was right, in God’s plan. Even in the midst of confusion, pain and suffering, I’ve never known such blessing and peace with God. I can tell you that it was not easy to remain strong but through perseverance the harvest is being reaped. Eximo seemed to really flourish in the year that followed and I just felt confirmation that I was in the right place, even in those cold winter months when I felt such agony and loneliness.
I never stopped loving my man but I did not run back to him as I was held up by the strength God gave me. I continued to pray for him, for his safety and that God would be with Him. He tried to get in contact many times but I did not want anything to do with him as he had broken his promise he had made me when he put that ring on my finger. But it turns out that God had not finished with our relationship either and it was nine months down the line when things seemed to have a breakthrough. We spoke on the phone, crying over what had happened and trying to work out where to go from here.
He had left out of a fear of persevering here in England but now he has learnt and recognised that it is not better to run away. Even if it would of been hard, we would of had love and faith to keep us strong which count for so much more. Because I did not go with him, he was unfulfilled and unhappy and working long hours outside in the hot Australian sun with no one to come home to – not as ideal as the picture previously painted. Slowly, things are being healed and although he is still in Australia, we have decided to persevere for this relationship. What has been amazing is the amount of trust we have, it seems stronger than ever before. Next year, he will come back to England and we will start again that which was planned for before. This time, we will work hard to not separate that which God has put together as we have seen the pain there is in losing each other. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to lose something in order to recognise how precious it is to us.
